To be a disciple costs us everything!

The Truth Will Set you Free

2008-03-26T11:46:00.003+01:00

I was talking with a friend some weeks ago about how sometimes non-Christians seem to have a really easier life than Christians, how it seems that we struggle a lot more to get passed the day, how we see to make a big deal of everything while our non believers friends just go on each day as if living was the easiest thing to do, no worries, partying every day, always surrounded by nice people, no money problems, get everything they want.
Well, it seems so, but in the same conversation I got the answer, and then this answer is kind of following me for some weeks. They may seem happier and they may seem to take life easier, but they are slaves, slaves of the money, of the parties, of the alcohol that keeps them smiling all the time, of the sex that a lot of times is the reason why they go after meeting people, slaves of the people they are surrounded by all the time. Because if you take that away from them, they have nothing left, they have no reason to live, they have no truth in their lives, everything they build is fragile and may go away in just one second, as everything in life. Everything but the Truth.
Knowing the truth is like being rescued from the Matrix (yes, I'm really talking about the movie), when you're living in the Matrix everything looks perfect, you may have some problems, but they are easily solved, and life goes on with no harm to your emotions, but it's not you that is really living your life, you're controlled by the Matrix, everything is fake, you're not your own. And then, when you get the pill that will make you know the truth, that will take you outside the Matrix, that's when the war begins, that's when everything start looking harder, that's when things start to look ugly, but that's when you're free, that's when you're your own.
When you're your own? But aren't we supposed to be God's? Well, yeah, I guess so, but it's different, because when we chose to be God's we are also our own, it's something we chose to do, and we are not slaves anymore, but servants, and as most as it may seem controversial, God's servants are the most free creatures in the world, because they are not only servants, but also children.
As for those who don't want to be set free, Psalm 73 has a really comforting explanation about what will happen to them, and specially a reminder that even when it seems that our life is harder then theirs, nothing is worth more than to be free in Jesus Christ, the only truth.

When the rain comes...

2007-11-29T01:39:00.000+01:00

"When the rain comes it seems that everyone has
gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide / Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

I can't stop the rain / From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain / But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades you know that rain must fall
on everyone
So Rest awhile / it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do

When the rain comes / I will hold you"

When the rain comes, Third Day

Belonging...

2007-11-09T23:12:00.000+01:00

I was thinking about belonging while listening to the song "San Angelo" by Third Day! To me it's a belonging song. "Forever seem so distant", "I miss my home", "When you surrounded you can still feel so alone ", "I find myself questioning this place.". I mean, for someone who at the age of 23 already lived in 5 different cities, two different countries and 16 different houses belonging is something really difficult and home is a word that is "million miles away". Where is home? Where am I from? Sometimes I can't tell, sometimes I can't even tell my name because I don't know anymore which language I'm speaking (it shouldn't be difficult to say your own name, but when you're all the time switching from three different languages it can get pretty confusing even to say your name).

Well, it's a difficult life stile to be nomad, you go somewhere, leaving everything you had till that moment behind, including family sometimes, you make friends there, then you move and start all over again, if you're moving abroad it's harder, because it's more difficult to be accepted, it takes some time, and then when you get accepted you move again, leaving all you got there behind, including friends.... And at the end you just feel alone and not belonging anywhere, it's a strange feeling. But you know, what I've come to realize is that it doesn't matter where I go or where I've already been, I'll simply never belong, because I don't belong to this world anyway. Everything that always upsets me everywhere I go will continue to upset me at any place, because it's always the things that goes against what I have found to be the propose of my life that upsets me.

At the end what matters is not find a place where you belong, but find Whom you belong to, the only one that can makes you feel like you belong, the only one that knows your heart, that cares about you, that likes you no matter what, that never goes away, the one you never leave behind. Once we learn to stop trying to belong to this world and just belong to Jesus, life becomes easier (not life itself, but the way we live it), because even if we'll never in this lifetime feel like we belong somewhere, we belong to someone, and not just anyone, but the only one that can make we feel really belonging.

God Bless!!!

P.S: If someone ever read this, sorry for the bad English, I'm really not in the mood of trying good writing today!!

Storm...

2007-10-26T19:21:00.000+02:00

It doesn't matter how big the storm might seem or be, with Jesus we can always walk on water!!

"How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If i'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
You will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

Everything is alright
Everything is alright"

Storm, by Lifehouse!!

Thoughts...

2007-10-05T12:44:00.001+02:00

Sometimes thoughts just come to my mind, like questions that I've been asking for a long time that are just answered... it' feels strange sometimes, but it's good to have questions answered in your own mind, I use to think it's God that's answering me, and I like it to death. I mean, to have this God that is so close to me that He not only listens to all my questions but He also give me an answer to each one of them....

2007-09-26T21:43:00.000+02:00

I found out something really interesting now:

You scored as Religion/Theology, You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in Religion, Theology, or a related major.

It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it.

Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Psychology is a good minor to add to any major. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal.

Religion/Theology

88%

Psychology/Sociology

81%

History/Anthropology/LiberalArts

69%

English/Journalism/Comm

69%

HR/BusinessManagement

63%

Accounting/Finance/Marketing

56%

French/Spanish/OtherLanguage

50%

Physics/Engineering/Computer

50%

PoliticalScience/Philosophy

38%

Education/Counseling

38%

Visual&PerformingArts

38%

Mathematics/Statistics

38%

Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health

31%

Biology/Chemistry/Geology

31%

WHAT MAJOR IS RIGHT FOR YOU?
created with QuizFarm.com

At least Computer is on the list...
Just thought if was fun and wanted to share!!
God bless!!!

Sea of roses!!

2007-09-22T21:10:00.000+02:00

Some little things that bring us happiness seem craziness to those who do not share them with you... others make some people want to be in your skin... so many make people think your life is always a sea of roses... and in fact, it is! A sea of roses full of waves and storms, but this does not make it any less a sea of roses. A sea of roses full of sunrises and sunsets, full of clouds that look like cotton and others that are nothing but rain, a sea of roses that takes you up and down so many times that even makes your stomach sick, but a sea of roses! Jesus makes me live in a sea of roses, makes me smile always, even when the sea brings me down, He makes me dream always, even when the waves are so high that seems you're not gonna make it, and He makes my dreams come true... sometimes it's hard to understand how someone who has already given His life for me still worries in making me happy, just the life should be enough... but, why understand? I don't want to wast my time trying to understand a love that my human condition does not allow me to understand, what I want is just to feel this love each day more and enjoy my sea of roses!!

My Hillsong United Adventure

2007-09-20T20:22:00.000+02:00

I'm not sure if I'll be able to express how it feels to get to know people... specially other Christians, and I'm not talking just about the Hillsong United people, but about the whole experience I had last weekend in Holland, where I went for the HU European tour.
Well, my expectations were really high before going there, most of the United songs have been present in the most intimate and touching moments I had with God, I was really expecting some huge changes in my life, I was expecting to cry all the time during the worship night, I was expecting to experience God in a completely different way from what I had ever before, I wanted to get so many answers in those two days (first the workshop and then the worship night)... it's incredible how God works differently from what we think...
I did not cry, not even a tear... I did not get the answer to any of the questions I wanted answers for... but I can't say I did not experience God in a completely different way, and it was a way that made me change my vision of what it is to experience God.
I always thought that to experience God meant to feel something, to get emotional, to cry, to feel the heart beat faster and so on, and it's not that it is not, but it is not just that. I found out that God can touch us even when our hearts does not beat faster, even when we don't feel any emotion, because God is not just about emotion, God is also about love, unity and simplicity, and those are the things that I got to experience there.
The love part happened in the first day, the workshop day... well, I went to Den Haag and had to find out where the church where the workshop was going to happen was, it was kinda hard, but I found it, but the thing that I never expected was to be so much welcomed as I was. Each person from that church that came and talked to me showed me a kind of love that I had never experienced before, and I would surely say that was the kind of love every church and person should learn. Despite all things they had to prepare for the evening they gave me attention, they cared about me, they called me to eat with them, me, a completely stranger arriving from Italy all by myself, going there not because of that specific church... well, if you really think about it, that specific church is part of the church of Jesus Christ, so yes, I was going there because of it too, but anyway, to receive people with love is one thing that a few people in this great brotherhood we share know how to do, and those people are definitely some of them!
Then comes the unity, well, I won't say that I've never been in a place where people were together to praise and worship God, but it's never too much to be a part of that unity, it's never too much to see people from different places, that speak different languages, together in a place to praise and glorify the name of Jesus Christ, so that always touches me!!
And then comes the simplicity part... I had already heard that the guys from the Hillsong United team were simple and normal like any of us, but I had to see it myself to get an idea of how simple they are, and I got stoned. I mean, I'm used to some Brazilian "christian" musicians that are like stars, always followed by security guards, that at most wave to people from far away, and I can't judge the attitude, maybe they have a reason for that, but maybe I was expecting at least some stardom from the United guys, and what I found was completely the opposite. They are all so grounded, so simple, so humble that I can't help understanding why God uses them the way He does and I can only pray that they will always keep it simple and humble so that God may keep using them to bless so many young people from all over the world. I've heard a powerful preaching from pastor Phil, a encouraging workshop from all of them, a Brooke Fraser that is way sweeter and wiser than I could ever imagine, a JD that is way calmer than I expected, a Joel Houston that is way more agitated than I thought (the others that I knew were like I expected them to be, and there was also a new guitar player that I did not know before)... in the next day I got to see them playing at the Dam Square, I got to say two words with pastor Phil and Joel, got to take a picture with each one of the two, got to tell them they have to come to Italy (did not say everything I wanted to say tough, first because I did not want to bother them since there was a lot of people wanting to talk to them and to take pictures, second because I could not help getting nervous, and when I get nervous I can't figure out what to say, especially in English!), got to see their confuse faces when I said I was Italian and Brazilian (yeah, it's kinda hard for me to understand too)... then in the evening once again I got to see simplicity, in the stage, in the way they got at the stage, in the way they talked to the people who were there, in their prayers, in their music, in their dance, in their joy... simplicity, people like me, people like anyone who was there watching, praising, rejoicing in the Lord...
No, I surely can't express how it felt nor how it feels now, I can just say that it feels different... I feel different... and that it was one of the greatest things that God has given me, the opportunity to be there and experience His love is something that I'll never be able to thank Him enough for!
There is hope for Europe, there is hope for the world, and it's in Jesus Christ!!

Thinking back...

2007-09-04T15:04:00.000+02:00

It's crazy how we can feel so bad and pessimist some days without any valid reason. Just to give an example regarding the post from 06/July/2007, well, I passed all my exams (some even with a really good mark), I went to TeenStreet, I'm going to Amsterdam for the Hillsong United tour and I did not get married, of course, I'm not intending to anytime too soon anyway, but I'm sure that if it's God's will, it will happen too!
All this desperation that comes over me sometimes makes me think about until which point do I trust God? I mean, I shouldn't worry about those things, I know that everything is going to be fine, but I can't help these feelings, and maybe that's one of those things that makes us human, but maybe I'm just a person that should trust God more!
These past weeks I got myself reading a lot of times the same thing...

"Proverbs 16
1 The preparations of the heart in man, and the answer of the tongue, is from the LORD.
2 All the ways of a man are clean in his own eyes; but the LORD weigheth the spirits.
3 Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.
4 The LORD hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil.
5 Every one that is proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD: though hand join in hand, he shall not be unpunished.
6 By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the LORD men depart from evil.
7 When a man's ways please the LORD, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him.
8 Better is a little with righteousness than great revenues without right.
9 A man's heart deviseth his way: but the LORD directeth his steps."

...and specially the verses 1 and 9 have gotten my attention. For me it's like God's saying to me not to worry, because the answer of every plan I may do is His, the way to follow wherever I may Go is directed by Him, so all I need to do is to relax, to wait on Him, to do my deed and let the Lord take full control of my life. At the end it does not matter if I get sick so many times, if I don't like what I'm studying, if I'll get to go to TeenStreet or to the United concert, if I pass all my exams or not, those are all important things in life and I always want to do everything right in my life in order to honour God, so that people can see who the God I serve is, but none of those things can be solved by worrying, by thinking about them in advance.
Living life each day knowing that the Lord is directing my steps is a privilege that not so many people have, so, if I know this, my only worry should be to make as much people as I can to know that, that there is a God that can save us and direct our steps everyday!
In practice it's not that easy tough, so I'll just try each day to put all my trust in Jesus, and I'm sure He'll help me with my silly worries and make me see what's really important!!

And to summarize a song that I love and that explains so much about the way I feel so many times!!!

"Shifting Sand" by Caedmon's Call

God bless we all!

Love is Different by Caedmon's Call

2007-08-29T22:25:00.000+02:00

Well it looks like five thousand miles
Broke the camel's back
But it's not as though I had a plan
To win you back
Because I don't know what I want
But at least I know that much
I'm afraid love came right up
And slapped me in the face
But I did not know, no
Cause...

Love is different than you'd think
It's never in a song, or on a TV screen
And love is harder than a word
Said at the right time, and everything's alright
I said love is different than you'd think

And so I won't expect a postcard
From Trefulgar's square
But I'd be lying if I said
I didn't care
Because you can't just turn it off
And put a blindfold on your heart
But I'm off to a good start
We're a continent away
But I do not know, oh no
Cause...

Love is different than you'd think
It's never in a song, or on a TV screen
And love is harder than a word
Said at the right time, and everything's alright
I said love is different than you'd think

Maybe you're the dream I'm waking from
But I see you everywhere I go
Darling, you are such a mystery to me
You know, don't you know that...

Love is different than you'd think
It's never in a song, or on a TV screen
And love is harder than a word
Said at the right time, and everything's alright
I said love is different than you'd think

Just now I understood!!

2007-08-17T20:08:00.000+02:00

It'll probably sound so stupid, but I only understood today what the campaign that inspired me to start this blog means. Yeah, I mean, not the campaign itself, I've seen videos about it and read what's written about it, but the concept is what I had missed and just came to me today.

"The name is not I heart revolution, is The 'I heart' Revolution", I heard this phrase from Joel Houston (in the All of The Above DVD bonus I guess), but I had not quietly understood it till today.

Now that I understand it I think it's even better!!
Of course that as I think too much once I understood I found myself thinking about "hearting".
I wonder so many times, do I heart the way I should? What does it mean anyway? "I heart". Well, I'm sure that there are lots of explanations about the matter, but at the end is love something that can be explained by men? Are we capable of loving the way we should? I'm sure we are because Jesus said we should do that and I'm pretty certain that He'd not ask me to do something that I could not do, not that I can do anything without His help anyway, but the point is that "to heart" is a possible complicated hard misunderstood thing.
I mean, I've always been the kind of person that wants to be polite, then sometimes I think that I heart people because I try to be polite, but... it's not the same thing, to be polite is one thing, to heart is another. Maybe I can't heart if I don't act polite, but acting polite does not mean that I heart.
Then there comes those "helping" people, the kind of people that volunteers themselves for anything they can, they usually make me feel like I don't love at all, because as much as I care, I never cared enough to do something about it, so, does that mean that I don't love? Does love has a measure? Uhm, maybe you can only say that you really heart something when you get to the edge of doing something about it.
I can think of the example of a couple, a man can "love" a woman his whole life, but if he keeps this to himself maybe he'll never truly love her, so at the end maybe if his love was not enough to make him do something about it it was not love at the first place.
I don't want to create any definition, but I guess that for me love is that feeling that makes you do something about what/who you love, otherwise it's not love, love is what brings the right attitude, is what makes us not doing something we know would disappoint someone we love, is what makes us stop talking about starving children in Africa an start doing something about it... I know few people whom I saw doing something about anything, we are all so stuck in our thoughts, in our small lives, in getting the things we want, sometimes even in just trying to make the day having food and a place to spend the night, that we almost never do something about our loves, this if we ever loved for real (since I said that if you don't do something about it then it's not love).
Well, God loved the world, so He sent His only son to die for our sins; Jesus loved us so He died for our sins and then rose again so we can have eternal life and direct access to the Father and the Holy Spirit living in us, so, for me, if we want to do what Jesus told us to do (Love your neighbour as yourself), we gotta do something for the others... it surely won't change God's love for us, we are loved by grace, not by deed, but it'll please Him, and there is nothing better in this world, there is nothing that can make us feel so good as to please the Father.
Let's heart, that's the biggest revolution, it can change the world and mostly it can change ourselves!!

2007-07-06T23:24:00.000+02:00

I wrote this some time ago, was not intending to publish, but whatever, it's funny to see how we go through some "crazy" days sometimes and in the end everything is fine... so, just sharing!

I've been thinking about one thing that I wanted to write here this past week, but I can't remember it right now, so I'll just write whatever is in my mind, I don't even know if I'll ever publish it anyway.
Well, I'm sick and that makes me sad, my throat gets bad at least 5 times every year, and then together always comes a flu, and this time it's right in the middle of my exams at the University and in the week when I finally started jogging... I have much more things to study for the exam I have on Monday (which is already my second chance, I did not make it at the first) and I'll surely not have time to study the way I wanted... then the will of studying comes and goes all the time, specially when I have a flu, I get really bad at studying. Things that should not be bothering me are bothering me too much these days; I might go to Germany for the TeenStreet, but I did not pay the initial fee yet, so everything is too uncertain; then there is the United Tour in Europe, which will be in September, what gives me some time to decide anything, even because I can't decide anything now anyway, but then the fear of losing the cheap flights take over and it bothers me so much. I mean, the fight between what I want and what I can do is killing me. I want to pass the exams, but to do so I need to study, but sometimes I just can't, and then I get angry at myself, because how may I want to pass without studying? And then I go back to the fact that I don't even like what I'm studying, so what is the point in all the effort in the first place. This days I've been also feeling the need to build a family, to get married, to have someone to share all of my dreams, to have children... and the fact that I don't see it happening anytime soon bothers me too... (I was really pessimist this day, everything will work out just fine, why worrying, it's useless)
Time has been passing so slow and so fast at the same time these days.

Are we willing to change?

2007-06-27T18:38:00.000+02:00

Jeremiah 17:10 "I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings."

Since I've trying to study for some time today without any success I decided to write some things that just won't get out of my mind these days.

I've been thinking a lot lately about "being tried". Well, I know a lot of people (including me, of course) that seems to be always with the same problem... some have healthy problems, others emotional problems, a lot financial problems, and so on... and the thing I've been observing these days is how people that have those kind of constant "trials" on their lives react to it.

I guess we could even categorize the way people deal with "trials":

1 - There are those people that say: "Oh God, why are You doing this to me?", I'd call them the "poor me" people. They usually complain all the time, they are always expecting something bad to happen again just after a problem goes away, they always blame someone else, some blame God, some blame the enemy, some blame situations that happened on the past, whatever excuse they can find to find a reason for their situation... "Oh, the enemy is trying to destroy my life, that's why I never have a relationship that last more than 2 moths", "Oh, I never have money because the world is not fair."...

2 - Another category is of the people who says: "It's just a trial, I will just wait for it to pass and them everything will be good again". These are what I would call "lazy optimistic", those people that pass their lives sitting and waiting for something to get better, then things get better, they enjoy some moments and the "trial" comes again, so they sit and wait for it to pass... "Of course it will pass, I'm praying and my God will give me the victory"...

Well, I could spend hours here categorizing people and their reactions to the "trials", but at the end what really matters is not the different reactions people have, but their lack of action. What do I mean? I mean that if it's a trial you need to be approved, otherwise you'll have to take the test again, how many times it takes till you pass, because God is trying to change our character so we can be the way He wants us to be.

What I normally see are people complaining they don't have money (I talk about this because it's the thing I see the most, I'm Brazilian, few people there never had money problems), then they start praying so that God may bless them (of course, nobody wants not to have money even to eat), but even before they start praying they already spend the money they believe God is going to give them, and them when the money arrives they are already without any money. Of course I believe God can bless people with money, God can whatever He wants, it's obvious, He's God, but what people forget is that He is also our father, and that He wants us to be the way He made us to be, so He has to teach us, but most of the times we think we learned something and just go back to act exactly the way we did before...

So, what I'm learning these days is that when I'm passing through some "trial" in my life I need to act. Of course the enemy wants to destroy our lives, he came for that, but if you've been saved by the blood of Christ the enemy can't touch you; it's obvious that things we did on the past have consequences, but they don't define our lives, once we've accepted Christ our sin was erased, God is not punishing you because of your sin, Jesus already died for that, and He raised again, defeating forever the enemy; to pray is one of the better things we can do in this life, it brings us closer to God, it makes us understand God, I'd say it almost defines our relationship with Him, and I'm one of the persons that can really say that God hear our prayers and He even move mountains to answer our requests, but you can't pray and not listen to God's answer, it's easy to ask God to give us something, but it's not always easy to ask Him to show us what we need to change in order to have that thing we want, it's not easy to ask God to show us what we have to do to get what we need, it's not always easy to ask God to change us so that we won't keep making the same mistakes.

The point of this long wondering is that we need to put our lives in the Potter's Hands and let Him work on us, being available to do what He wants us to, paying attention to what He is telling us to do, and most important, doing it.

"The Potter's Hands" by Hillsong

God bless you all!

Giving it all to God!

2007-06-15T16:50:00.000+02:00

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding."-Proverbs 3:5 (NLT)

I’m in the middle of an non ending boring class about Usability of Web Applications, well, it should not be boring, I’m actually a little bit interested in the matter, but the professor is not helping too much, what makes me wonder how important it is to follow your real talents in life, and not do something just for doing it even if you’re not good at all in doing it.

Anyway, the fact that I’m passing through some really though times right now made me wonder one more time what is the meaning of “To be a disciple costs us everything”, this phrase just won’t get out of my mind.

Well, we are in the middle of the year of 2007 (I think that today is exactly the middle of the year, but it doesn’t matter, just an observation), I should graduate at the end of this year, but instead I’m in Italy studying to get a double degree, listening to really bad English almost everyday, which makes me feel like my English is getting worse each day, trying to learn Italian, which is kind of difficult for me once I have to do everything in English at the university except talking to Italians; I have no money in my wallet nor in my bank account; I need to find a place to live before September, and find money to pay for it; I have to buy my flight ticket back to Brazil in order to get the permission to stay in Italy for one more year, which is the time I need to finish the studies; I need to have a lot of money to show the "questura" in order to get the permission as well… I’ve come to a point when I just can’t take anymore this much “have to”, “need to”, and sometimes I just feel like my world is completely falling apart.

Then I made a decision regarding my permanence here. Of course I believe that being here is a dream come true, but the means I used to get here are not the most noble ones, I lied to get the visa and the permission to stay here, I said I had money that I didn’t, a lot of people helped, land me the money I needed to show to the consulate and everything, my parents are working like crazy just so I’ll have at least food here, my whole family is helping as they can and everybody is really proud of me, but the thing is, I’m not, I’m not proud at all of being here, because I had to lie to be here, I did not trust God enough to say “If I can’t go, I won’t go”, and if it was really His will that I came here, I’m sure He would have opened doors to get me here. So, this time it will be different, I decided I won’t lie anymore, if at the time I need to show the money, to have the flat contract, to have the flight ticket, etc, I don’t, I will just pack my bags and go back home, because now I understand that if God closes all doors it will be because He doesn’t want me here.

This hard decision I’m making remimd me of one fact that happened exactly two years ago. One week before the date 15/6/2005 I arrived at home at night coming from my ex-boyfriend’s (at that time sill boyfriend)house, one more time I was crying without apparent reason, I did not know what was wrong, or at least I was not sure, I just could not take anymore things the way they were, and them I went to the window of my bedroom at the 10^th floor, looked at the sky and said to God: “Dear Father, I can’t take it anymore, if this relationship is not of your will, that it might end, I just want to do what You want me to do, I give this relationship completely to you, do whatever You want with it, but do something, please, I can’t stand crying anymore. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.!”

I guess it was the most changing moment of my life (till that moment), it was the first time I was really putting something in God’s hands with all my heart and soul. Well, one week after that, in the 15/6/2005 my boyfriend came to me and said: “I think we should break up”. Wow, it was so shocking, I wanted to die… then I remembered my prayer and not so much time later I was not just completely healed but I was finally free and living really for God and not for a relationship. The lesson I learned with that was that when we really put things in God’s hands with no reserves, giving really all we are to Him, to His control, it’s just then that things change, that lives are changed.

So, that’s what I’m doing right now, putting my stay here in God’s hands and waiting for His answer, and I’m sure it will come, and when it comes, even if it’s not the answer I want to have, I’ll do whatever He asks me to, because at the end that’s all that matters, live for His kingdom, for His glory, for His will!!

I'm giving it all to the one I love!!

"Follow the Son" - by Hillsong London (tough this performance is by Hillsong AUS)

God bless you all!!

Can't take it anymore!

2007-06-09T13:38:00.000+02:00

So many times I feel like I can't take it anymore.

I've been in Italy for 9 months now, it's been a journey, I've passed so many things, learned so many things, cried so many times... and there are some days, like today, that I just feel like that, I just feel like it's too much, that I have no more strength, that I want to go home, that I want all of this to be over soon...

Well, the way I came here is kind of a dream come true, but at the same time it's a little strange. I did not have the money I was required to have to get the student visa, so I pretend I had, got the visa and came, trusting that God would support me, and He's been supporting me, but sometimes things just seem a lot more difficult than I could ever imagine, and I can't help thinking that I shouldn't have come, that I lied to be here now, I mean, if I needed to lie to be here, then maybe that was not God's will that I came here in the first place, maybe He let me have the opportunity to came here exactly to see if I would lie, and I did, and it kills me sometimes, it kills me because I already did so many wrong things because of my lack of knowledge, because I was not used to ask God what He wanted me to do before doing it, because I spent so much time being a Christian but without getting to know Christ (if that is possible).

What comforts me is that I know He forgives me, every time I ask, He forgives me and He never leaves me alone, and all I ask Him is to give me the knowledge and the strength it takes to do His will in any circumstances.

Right now I'm not where I'd like to be, I don't have what I'd like to have, I'm not doing what I'd like to do, I'm not feeling like I'd like to feel... but I'm learning so much... I'm learning to trust God always, I'm learning to give importance to what's really important, I'm learning to get hurt by people all the time but still loving them, I'm learning that I can't change some things, but I have to learn how to change myself, or even better, letting God changes me.
I learned one more thing today: I have a friend that suffers of bulimia, and I've been trying to take her to Jesus, to make her see that He is the only way to change her life, etc. Then I write her long emails asking God to make me write what He wants me too, to write things that will really touch her hearth, and then I send the email and wait for her to answer, and this has been going on for some time now, and well, I found out today that every time I write to her and get back a even longer email saying that she is helpless, that she already heard everything I said, but that she just can't talk to God, and that this disease is killing her, etc, I get so sad that everything else that might happen that day will seem so much bigger than it really is, I mean, those days a simple joke might hurt me, even if I try to convince myself it's just a joke... and then I start feeling like I can't take it anymore... and then I wonder how is it possible for someone who doesn't know my God to go through this life?

Life is not easy to anyone, I just wish people could find the peace I found in Jesus, the love that takes me from the floor every time I feel like I can't get up.

For who tought I only listened to United, here's something different that I also listen to!

"Cry out to Jesus" by Third Day

God bless you all!

Ideas!

2007-06-06T22:58:00.001+02:00

There is so much going on in my life right now that I shouldn't even be writing here, but as some weeks ago I decided that I was not going to give up the things I started I'm writing anyway.
Even though I think it's much better to use few words to say a lot than to use too much words to say nothing, I'm not sure if I manage to do the first.

The thing is, I have so many thoughts about everything that sometimes I can't even get the time to organize my thoughts, specially when it's the end of another semester at the University and I have so many things to delivery till the end of the month that I don't even know if I'll manage to do all of them.
Anyway, it seems that's when I'm most busy that all the ideas a creative mind could have come to my mind. Yeah, I had an idea for a dance, an idea for a play, an idea for taking education to poor children all over the world, an idea for making the youth group of the church of Como more united, etc, etc, etc...
At the same time a have a lack of ideas about a lot of other practical things, like what to write to a friend that needs to accept Jesus, how to learn to shut up when I don't have anything good to say, how to learn to sing without "killing" other people, how to get a job, how to stop thinking in things that I want to stop thinking about but that I can't, how to make people see that things only change when we change first, etc, etc, etc...

Well, at the end I leave both (the ideas and the lack of them) in God's hands, and I'm sure that for the ideas He'll give me the way to put them in practice, and for the lack of them, He'll give me all the answers, and He's already giving!

Thank You Jesus, for giving me ideas, thoughts, strength, answers, passions, tears of joy, happiness, life, freedom!!!!!! YOU'RE THE GREATEST LOVE THAT ANYONE COULD EVER KNOW!!

"To the ends of the earth" by Hillsong.

God bless you all!

Feeling useless!

2007-05-24T16:48:00.000+02:00

Well, I don't actually have anything in mind to write right know, but I'm at the University, I have to leave in less than one hour to go give computer lesson and that is not enough time to start doing anything I need to do for my school works, so I decided to write something.

The first thing I'd like to share is that it's being so difficult to be in the church I'm attending here in Italy right now! As much as I know that when you start attending a church it's always difficult to make new friends, to get involved, and so on, I've been feeling so useless that it even makes me a bit sad sometimes!

My life as a Christian (that is a member of a church, because I attended before that at my mom's church) started in a really big church in Brazil, when I moved to Sao Paulo to attend University! At that time the soccer player Kakà was getting in the top, so he was really in evidence everywhere, I knew he was a Christian, so I found out which church he attended and decided to go and see if I liked. I liked at first, I got baptized there, I sang in a huge choir they put together to record the annual praise album, I even started participating in weekly reunions of discipulate, but I could never feel that I was doing something for God and neither feel that I was involved with the ministry at any level, and most of all I did not get to feel a part of the church! That was sad because when you starting to learn about God if you're not together with other people that can really be your friends, that care about you and that are part of your life it's really easy to misunderstand some things, or to "understand" things the way you want and not the way they really are (and that lead me to do so many stupid things in my life). So, what I'm trying to say is that friendship is really important to create and to maintain communion, to help people to stay inside God's will for their life's, to serve God and give fruits!

God was (and still is) so good to me to put a friend in my life that was from another church, a smaller one, but full of receiving young people, and one day that friend invited me to go on a youth's camping of his church! I went, met people who were originally from my church, had a great time, and came back missing even more what I missed before in my church: friendship. It took me several months before I decided to move to that other church, I had to be sure first that I was not moving there just because of the people (because I once thought that was not what mattered, oh, so wrong), but that it was God's will that I went there. I attended my church in Brazil for a really short time before coming to Italy, but anyway I had the time of my life there!

And then I came here, started attending this church I'm attending now, met some Brazilian people there, became friends with them, found out that this was not the only church in the small city I live, but for some reason I continued to go there, and as time went by I found myself without any wish to go to church again (like I once felt in Brazil), week after week I asked God to give me the wish to go to church at least on Sunday's! And them Pisa happened, it was a great opportunity to get to know the young people from the church better, and it really worked, my will came back, but sometimes I feel like it's fading again, and I don't want that to happen, but I don't know what else I can do about it besides praying!

And then, praying day after day I at least realized what is my problem with this church: I'm comparing it to my church in Brazil, and it's making me want it to be something it's not. It's a church with great people, but people that seem to be at the beginning of something even if they spent all of their life's on that same church, and as everything that is in the beginning the results take some time to show up. So I've been feeling like I'm not doing anything meaningful. My wish to do something to change the world is so big that I can't even figure out a way to do it.

I guess I need to learn to have patience in doing God's work because eventually, if we are really doing what He asks us to do, the results will come. I need to learn to see the each day difference I can make before wanting to make a difference in History! But my heart cries out to make big things for Jesus, to give people all over the world the opportunity to know that there is a Saviour! Well, the fight between my heart and my head goes on day after day, and day after day all I can do is to ask God to use me the way He wants to!

I'm not sure if even I understand myself, so I don't intend that anyone that might read this will understand me, but I'm sure that God knows my heart, my heard, and that when I less expect He will make me see how He's using my life!

The song I've being listening a lot these days and that is inspiring me to want to change the world (and can't quite say if it's good or bad to be influenced this way, but I'm, I see what these guys are doing and I want to do great things like them.

"Solution" by Hillsong United

God bless you all!

Seek and you shall find!

2007-05-14T17:41:00.000+02:00

"Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you;" Mathew 7:7

It's easy to say what we are supposed to feel as Christians, but the fact is that only those who seek find what they are looking for!

This thought came to me while I was listening to the speech Sunday in the church. The pastor was talking about living in the room of the throne with Jesus and the Father, in the sense that nothing should threat us or the way we feel, that we should feel joy even if things do not go so well. And then it occurred to me that it's not every Christian that has the privilege of being in that place, and it's not because God doesn't want them to be, but it's because they don't search for it.

Some time ago I was one of these people, but one day I started searching, I started asking for this place, and He gave me that. Now I'm searching for other things, I'm asking God to show how He wants me to serve Him, I'm asking Him to make me find out what my talent is, I'm asking Him to give me love for people, etc. And the good thing is that I'm sure that at His time He will give me all I'm asking for!

The point is, if you want something (inside God's will, of course), start asking for it. If you want to have so much joy in your heart that you can't even explain, start seeking God, and you shall find!!

As the song says:

"... Your fire fall down

Fire fall down

On us we pray

As we seek..."

"Fire fall down" by Hillsong United

God bless you all!

Everything means everything!!

2007-05-11T19:16:00.000+02:00

It's incredible how things happen, I think I never saw a person that decided to do something for God and had all the problems solved, I mean, of course that when someone makes a decision to be a disciple of Christ, to start working for God, to accept Christ the feeling is like every problem one has is small and can be solved through Jesus, but in practice is exactly when you make a decision that things really start to get more difficult.

Let me explain myself, I've been feeling a peace and a love inside of me that overcome anything, but in practice things seem to be getting worse. Last week was my birthday (the 4th of May), usually I'd like to invite some friends to go eating something, or better, cooking something and invite some friends, but for the first time in my life I didn't have the money to do anything, so I called some friends to go to the movies (because I already had a ticket), and as I called everyone in the last minute just two friends were able to go, but in the end it was really nice and fun, and I even got presents!! Well, in the same day I was told that I was not going to work that weekend, what means no money for one more week, the solution was to use the credit card, I asked my mom (who pays for it) and she told me it was OK, I could use it to eat.

Then the week went on, I had everything I needed: food and a place to live, but still I was (and still am) feeling very uncomfortable of living here and not helping them with any money (I life with a Brazilian family), and I hoped to work this weekend so I could give them something. I studied for the exam I had today, contacted the people from Agape Italia (the Campus Crusade for Christ here in Italy), started a new blog, sang, danced, and then, today afternoon I was told one again that I'm not going to work this weekend. That hit me! I started thinking: "What am I going to do? I have to find a job, I can't survive a long time with 3 euros in my wallet. But how will I get a job if I have no time to work except nights and weekends? How will I pass all the exams I have to take if I study and work at the same time, I already have more than 40 hours/week completely filled with the studies... and besides that I can't take going through all I went when I arrived here again, going to places, living the CV, talking to people who looks at you in a way that makes you feel like dying, trying your best to speak Italian, going again, hearing a lot of no's." I saw myself sad again, not wanting to do anything, not wanting to go home but not wanting to stay at the University either. Then I took a deep breath not to cry, told God that my heart was crying and that I needed His help. I set in one computer room, looked at some websites (oh, and I saw an article in a Brazilian newspaper that let me so mad, it was about Christianity and there were so many wrong things written on it that I almost wrote to them to complain, maybe I'll do it), and after a while I decided to take a walk and take the bus to go home. I took the longest way till the bus stop, then I took the bus that takes the longest way to get here, but that passes in the most beautiful views of the Como Lake, I turned my mp3 player on and started listening to "Here I'm to worship" in a really high volume (it's not good for the healthy of the ears, don't do this), still thinking about what should I do, talking to God about it and appreciating the views; and sometime in the way here I had a thought: "Did you think that when you told God you were going to give your life completely to Him, to do whatever He wanted you to do, and especially when you started doing something, that things would start to get easier? Well, you thought wrong, it's now that the battle begins".
It made me understand that I'll have to fight each day, but that even when problems seem to be unsolvable we need to remember that the battle we are fighting was already won by Jesus Christ when He died on that cross and rose from death on the third day, and the important thing is to never lose the joy in our hearts and never give up the fight!

I can't tell if in this life things will be easier one day, they might get easy, God can do whatever He wants, but even if they don't get any easier I'll praise, serve and love my God till the end, with all my heart and soul!!!!!!!!! And if it costs me everything, let it costs!!

"From the inside out" by United

God Bless You All!!!

The beginning....

2007-05-09T21:58:00.001+02:00

Well, actually I have no idea why I'm starting a new blog, and even less idea of why I'm writing it in English, but... I just felt like doing it.
I think it will help me feel more involved with something really worth it (even thinking that nobody will read it), because I'd like this blog to be something encouraging to people that has chosen to follow Christ as I did.
It's interesting, two weeks ago I was completely tired of hearing always the same things: "Oh, don't worry, everything you're going through will be paid off", "God loves you so much, look how far you've got", etc. I was really irritated, couldn't hear any of this things anymore, I didn't care if I'd have a recompense in the end, or if God loved me, I needed something else, but I was not sure what was this "something else"! For so long I've been a believer, a fighter, a person that most people admire for its perseverance, but what nobody ever realized is that I was just a girl searching for a meaning to my life, I once thought that if I had money to do whatever I wanted I'd be happy, then, a little time later, I begin to think that what I needed was a boyfriend, I got one, but he just made me feel emptier (and the end of this relationship was a miracle that I'll tell someday), so I began to think that professional success would be it, I needed to enjoy what I was studying and find pleasure in it, then I would have that "something else"! Well, wrong again!!
The thing that I've been missing all this time was not to be loved by God, by someone, to have money or professional success, what was missing was my love for God. I've always heard and saw those people that do things for God, that get so involved during praises, that pray out loud... and even being among them never made me feel what they seemed to be feeling, and that let me so sad. I realized what was missing almost a year ago, maybe a little more than one year ago, and differently from the other things I did before, I started to pray asking God to make me feel this love that people say they feel, I wanted to feel my heart beat just by hearing His name, I wanted to think that nothing else mattered all the time...

And then it happened...

Even though it's been some time since I made my decision of accepting Jesus Christ as my Saviour I feel like I've decided to become a Disciple of Him this last week! As everything that God does is so perfect, the experience I had last week was also perfect.
I went to a Youth Alive conference in Pisa, and despite my wish to serve God, to see people being reached, to live the revival, I was not so excited about this conference. All I wanted was to go there and see what I was used to see in Brazil: young people worshiping with all of their hearts; I was not expecting anything for me, I had been sad the past months and all I was looking for was to see something familiar to my eyes to cheer me up a little bit.
I got a lot more than that. Since the beginning of the conference the Holy Spirit moved everyone in a way I could never imagine, at least not here in Italy.
I can't tell how exactly it happened, but He gave me the love I was looking for, He filled me with so much love for Him that I can't stop dancing anymore. I surely will never be the same again... and I'm so happy that even going through the hardest (financially speaking) week I've had since I arrived in Italy I've never felt better (nor even in Brazil)!!!
With all this happiness my willing of serving God only increases each day, and as I don't know where or how to start, as I don't know yet what is my talent (I always wanted to sing, but I can't, I'm terrible at it), I thought of writing because I love to do it, and I want to do everything I love for God.
So that's it, the beginning of a new blog, beginning o a new life, beginning of a new freedom, beginning of a new LOVE!

My life is changed, I wanna be with You, I wanna be with You!!

"Now that You're near" by Hillsong

God bless you all!

P.S.: Sorry about my poor English, hoping to improve it!!

Just to start...

2007-05-09T15:16:00.000+02:00

I love this song!!

God bless!!!!