I’m in the middle of an non ending boring class about Usability of Web Applications, well, it should not be boring, I’m actually a little bit interested in the matter, but the professor is not helping too much, what makes me wonder how important it is to follow your real talents in life, and not do something just for doing it even if you’re not good at all in doing it.
Anyway, the fact that I’m passing through some really though times right now made me wonder one more time what is the meaning of “To be a disciple costs us everything”, this phrase just won’t get out of my mind.
Well, we are in the middle of the year of 2007 (I think that today is exactly the middle of the year, but it doesn’t matter, just an observation), I should graduate at the end of this year, but instead I’m in Italy studying to get a double degree, listening to really bad English almost everyday, which makes me feel like my English is getting worse each day, trying to learn Italian, which is kind of difficult for me once I have to do everything in English at the university except talking to Italians; I have no money in my wallet nor in my bank account; I need to find a place to live before September, and find money to pay for it; I have to buy my flight ticket back to Brazil in order to get the permission to stay in Italy for one more year, which is the time I need to finish the studies; I need to have a lot of money to show the "questura" in order to get the permission as well… I’ve come to a point when I just can’t take anymore this much “have to”, “need to”, and sometimes I just feel like my world is completely falling apart.
Then I made a decision regarding my permanence here. Of course I believe that being here is a dream come true, but the means I used to get here are not the most noble ones, I lied to get the visa and the permission to stay here, I said I had money that I didn’t, a lot of people helped, land me the money I needed to show to the consulate and everything, my parents are working like crazy just so I’ll have at least food here, my whole family is helping as they can and everybody is really proud of me, but the thing is, I’m not, I’m not proud at all of being here, because I had to lie to be here, I did not trust God enough to say “If I can’t go, I won’t go”, and if it was really His will that I came here, I’m sure He would have opened doors to get me here. So, this time it will be different, I decided I won’t lie anymore, if at the time I need to show the money, to have the flat contract, to have the flight ticket, etc, I don’t, I will just pack my bags and go back home, because now I understand that if God closes all doors it will be because He doesn’t want me here.
This hard decision I’m making remimd me of one fact that happened exactly two years ago. One week before the date 15/6/2005 I arrived at home at night coming from my ex-boyfriend’s (at that time sill boyfriend)house, one more time I was crying without apparent reason, I did not know what was wrong, or at least I was not sure, I just could not take anymore things the way they were, and them I went to the window of my bedroom at the 10th floor, looked at the sky and said to God: “Dear Father, I can’t take it anymore, if this relationship is not of your will, that it might end, I just want to do what You want me to do, I give this relationship completely to you, do whatever You want with it, but do something, please, I can’t stand crying anymore. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.!”
I guess it was the most changing moment of my life (till that moment), it was the first time I was really putting something in God’s hands with all my heart and soul. Well, one week after that, in the 15/6/2005 my boyfriend came to me and said: “I think we should break up”. Wow, it was so shocking, I wanted to die… then I remembered my prayer and not so much time later I was not just completely healed but I was finally free and living really for God and not for a relationship. The lesson I learned with that was that when we really put things in God’s hands with no reserves, giving really all we are to Him, to His control, it’s just then that things change, that lives are changed.
So, that’s what I’m doing right now, putting my stay here in God’s hands and waiting for His answer, and I’m sure it will come, and when it comes, even if it’s not the answer I want to have, I’ll do whatever He asks me to, because at the end that’s all that matters, live for His kingdom, for His glory, for His will!!
I'm giving it all to the one I love!!
"Follow the Son" - by Hillsong London (tough this performance is by Hillsong AUS)
God bless you all!!
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