Feeling useless!

Well, I don't actually have anything in mind to write right know, but I'm at the University, I have to leave in less than one hour to go give computer lesson and that is not enough time to start doing anything I need to do for my school works, so I decided to write something.


The first thing I'd like to share is that it's being so difficult to be in the church I'm attending here in Italy right now! As much as I know that when you start attending a church it's always difficult to make new friends, to get involved, and so on, I've been feeling so useless that it even makes me a bit sad sometimes!


My life as a Christian (that is a member of a church, because I attended before that at my mom's church) started in a really big church in Brazil, when I moved to Sao Paulo to attend University! At that time the soccer player Kakà was getting in the top, so he was really in evidence everywhere, I knew he was a Christian, so I found out which church he attended and decided to go and see if I liked. I liked at first, I got baptized there, I sang in a huge choir they put together to record the annual praise album, I even started participating in weekly reunions of discipulate, but I could never feel that I was doing something for God and neither feel that I was involved with the ministry at any level, and most of all I did not get to feel a part of the church! That was sad because when you starting to learn about God if you're not together with other people that can really be your friends, that care about you and that are part of your life it's really easy to misunderstand some things, or to "understand" things the way you want and not the way they really are (and that lead me to do so many stupid things in my life). So, what I'm trying to say is that friendship is really important to create and to maintain communion, to help people to stay inside God's will for their life's, to serve God and give fruits!


God was (and still is) so good to me to put a friend in my life that was from another church, a smaller one, but full of receiving young people, and one day that friend invited me to go on a youth's camping of his church! I went, met people who were originally from my church, had a great time, and came back missing even more what I missed before in my church: friendship. It took me several months before I decided to move to that other church, I had to be sure first that I was not moving there just because of the people (because I once thought that was not what mattered, oh, so wrong), but that it was God's will that I went there. I attended my church in Brazil for a really short time before coming to Italy, but anyway I had the time of my life there!


And then I came here, started attending this church I'm attending now, met some Brazilian people there, became friends with them, found out that this was not the only church in the small city I live, but for some reason I continued to go there, and as time went by I found myself without any wish to go to church again (like I once felt in Brazil), week after week I asked God to give me the wish to go to church at least on Sunday's! And them Pisa happened, it was a great opportunity to get to know the young people from the church better, and it really worked, my will came back, but sometimes I feel like it's fading again, and I don't want that to happen, but I don't know what else I can do about it besides praying!

And then, praying day after day I at least realized what is my problem with this church: I'm comparing it to my church in Brazil, and it's making me want it to be something it's not. It's a church with great people, but people that seem to be at the beginning of something even if they spent all of their life's on that same church, and as everything that is in the beginning the results take some time to show up. So I've been feeling like I'm not doing anything meaningful. My wish to do something to change the world is so big that I can't even figure out a way to do it.


I guess I need to learn to have patience in doing God's work because eventually, if we are really doing what He asks us to do, the results will come. I need to learn to see the each day difference I can make before wanting to make a difference in History! But my heart cries out to make big things for Jesus, to give people all over the world the opportunity to know that there is a Saviour! Well, the fight between my heart and my head goes on day after day, and day after day all I can do is to ask God to use me the way He wants to!


I'm not sure if even I understand myself, so I don't intend that anyone that might read this will understand me, but I'm sure that God knows my heart, my heard, and that when I less expect He will make me see how He's using my life!


The song I've being listening a lot these days and that is inspiring me to want to change the world (and can't quite say if it's good or bad to be influenced this way, but I'm, I see what these guys are doing and I want to do great things like them.





"Solution" by Hillsong United



God bless you all!