It's incredible how things happen, I think I never saw a person that decided to do something for God and had all the problems solved, I mean, of course that when someone makes a decision to be a disciple of Christ, to start working for God, to accept Christ the feeling is like every problem one has is small and can be solved through Jesus, but in practice is exactly when you make a decision that things really start to get more difficult.
Let me explain myself, I've been feeling a peace and a love inside of me that overcome anything, but in practice things seem to be getting worse. Last week was my birthday (the 4th of May), usually I'd like to invite some friends to go eating something, or better, cooking something and invite some friends, but for the first time in my life I didn't have the money to do anything, so I called some friends to go to the movies (because I already had a ticket), and as I called everyone in the last minute just two friends were able to go, but in the end it was really nice and fun, and I even got presents!! Well, in the same day I was told that I was not going to work that weekend, what means no money for one more week, the solution was to use the credit card, I asked my mom (who pays for it) and she told me it was OK, I could use it to eat.
Then the week went on, I had everything I needed: food and a place to live, but still I was (and still am) feeling very uncomfortable of living here and not helping them with any money (I life with a Brazilian family), and I hoped to work this weekend so I could give them something. I studied for the exam I had today, contacted the people from Agape Italia (the Campus Crusade for Christ here in Italy), started a new blog, sang, danced, and then, today afternoon I was told one again that I'm not going to work this weekend. That hit me! I started thinking: "What am I going to do? I have to find a job, I can't survive a long time with 3 euros in my wallet. But how will I get a job if I have no time to work except nights and weekends? How will I pass all the exams I have to take if I study and work at the same time, I already have more than 40 hours/week completely filled with the studies... and besides that I can't take going through all I went when I arrived here again, going to places, living the CV, talking to people who looks at you in a way that makes you feel like dying, trying your best to speak Italian, going again, hearing a lot of no's." I saw myself sad again, not wanting to do anything, not wanting to go home but not wanting to stay at the University either. Then I took a deep breath not to cry, told God that my heart was crying and that I needed His help. I set in one computer room, looked at some websites (oh, and I saw an article in a Brazilian newspaper that let me so mad, it was about Christianity and there were so many wrong things written on it that I almost wrote to them to complain, maybe I'll do it), and after a while I decided to take a walk and take the bus to go home. I took the longest way till the bus stop, then I took the bus that takes the longest way to get here, but that passes in the most beautiful views of the Como Lake, I turned my mp3 player on and started listening to "Here I'm to worship" in a really high volume (it's not good for the healthy of the ears, don't do this), still thinking about what should I do, talking to God about it and appreciating the views; and sometime in the way here I had a thought: "Did you think that when you told God you were going to give your life completely to Him, to do whatever He wanted you to do, and especially when you started doing something, that things would start to get easier? Well, you thought wrong, it's now that the battle begins".
It made me understand that I'll have to fight each day, but that even when problems seem to be unsolvable we need to remember that the battle we are fighting was already won by Jesus Christ when He died on that cross and rose from death on the third day, and the important thing is to never lose the joy in our hearts and never give up the fight!
I can't tell if in this life things will be easier one day, they might get easy, God can do whatever He wants, but even if they don't get any easier I'll praise, serve and love my God till the end, with all my heart and soul!!!!!!!!! And if it costs me everything, let it costs!!
"From the inside out" by United
God Bless You All!!!
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